|
Along with my roommate Steve, we got prepared to hand out candy for his girlfriend who asked us to do so as she took her niece out around the neighborhood. I agreed only because I had nothing better to do, well to honest, Steve had beer packed in ice in a cooler keeping it ice cold as we sat on the front porch handing out the candy, so that was my motivation. Steve was bitter about the whole ordeal, to him that is what it was. This was an inconvenience; to him sitting in his room playing video games was more meaningful than spreading joy to the neighborhood children. Steve got out a large bowl that his girlfriend would use when she came over and popped popcorn. He emptied a few bags of fun sized Kit Kats into it and we headed for the front porch. Steve and I sat on the top step of the porch waiting for kids to get the goods. Steve said, “I don’t get it.”
“Get what?” I asked taking a beer from the cooler.
“Parents teach their kids not to take candy from strangers then they help them practice the exact opposite.”
“I think it’s okay being that the kids are chaperoned. You know, I don’t think a toucher would whip out his dick with an adult hanging around.”
Steve started to eat the candy, “Yeah I guess if you look at it that way it makes sense.”
“Anymore problems?”
“Well,” stated Steve, “I do have a problem with day light savings time.”
“Naturally,” I assured.
“There is no need to be facetious towards me.”
Defending my remark I said, “I wasn’t I was just backing up your personality.”
Steve rolled his eyes as he shook his head, “I am not going to argue about my personality traits or how that molds my life.”
“Right because I am fully aware of your persona, your humble existence.”
Steve sat down then dropped the bowl of candy down on my porch, “Again with the smart ass remarks.”
I reached down pick up then unwrapped a Kit Kat smiling as I broke a piece off, “Wanna break?”
Steve ripped the piece of Kit Kat from my hand, “Very clever, at least you learned something from watching television all day!” Steve mumbled Jesus Christ as a few ghoulishly dressed children approached the house; he was instantly annoyed with them, as was I. As he stood up the sound of cracking knees popped loudly with a slight groan, he had pushed down on his knees to stand up. He considered himself old, twenty-eight was hardly the age I would deem elderly, but to him, it was. Whenever he felt stiff when he stood, he would complain he was getting old as he did in this instance. A group of three children dressed in homemade ghost costumes created with mother’s old bed sheets most likely, held out their bags and in unison said in high-pitched excitement, “trick or treat!”
Steve condescended the children as only he could, “Wow three ghosts, very spooky, next time do more than cut eye holes and draw an oval to depict a mouth moaning a long drawn out creepy spooky sounds.” Steve dropped a handful of candy in each bag to end the night as quick as possible, “There is some candy for you children, don‘t each too much the sugar rush will sow your body when you come down, now scram.”
I unwrapped another fun size Kit Kat as I said, “You are so caring, you will make a good father some day.”
“Again, with the smart ass remarks,“ Steve sat back down slowly and grunted again, “Ugh, man… am I getting old!” Steve sipped his beer then asked, “What were we talking about before these kids just had to beg for candy?”
“Your ill will towards day light savings time, “ I said opening the cooler to get myself a cold refreshing and relaxing beer.
Steve leaned back and kicked up feet up onto the pumpkin on the steps below, “There is no need for it, we only have it so kids can trick or treat in the dark, what kid wants to dress spooky and run around in day light? None that I know of and if there are some like that, mamma boys and sissies is what they are.”
I sipped from the beer bottle as I explained, “Well day light savings time origins a related to World War 1 to conserve fuel need to produce electricity. Eventually Nixon signed a law to basically just conserve energy altogether.”
“Why do you know that?”
I shrugged my shoulders, “Common sense I guess!”
Steve and I continued to pass out candy and drink beer as the night grew later. It was around eight thirty at night when we has finished off the candy but not the beer. Kids were still trick or treating in the neighborhood, mostly young teenagers around fourteen or fifteen. You know the types, thinking trick or treating is still a cool thing to do and acting like their shit doesn’t stink. The types that carry pillow cases and refuse to stop trick or treating until the pillows cases filled. The exact type that wears a red afro wig and everyday clothes calling it a costume and expecting to get candy even if they don’t say trick or treat. These kids are too old to say the words trick or treat but not too old to practice the tradition of.
Two teens approached us as we sat drinking, “What’s up dudes?” they said holding their pillow cases.
Steve laughed, “Whatever, “ he then sipped his beer and waved his hand at them as if to say “shoo”.
“Yo dawg, let’s have some we just want some candy, yo!”
“Yeah G, out with it!”
Steve shook his head no, “Well there Word Dawg, if we had some left, I wouldn’t give you rap masters any, you to jackasses need to grow up you are too old to play dress up! I stopped trick or treating when I was eleven, and when I stopped I vowed I would never do it again until I was escorting my own children around the town. Now my advice to you is, listen to some metal starting with Black Sabbath and slowly work your way up to Skinless, then get a paper route or whatever other job young teens like yourself can get and go by your own fun sized candy bars.”
The teenagers told him to go fuck himself turned and walked on to the next house. Steve let out a loud belch after he chugged his beer, reached into the cooler and opened another, “We’ll wake up tomorrow with toilet paper hanging from out trees and wrapped around the fire hydrant.”
I pulled the hood of my sweatshirt over my head and said, “Well if there is you can clean it, you brought it upon us by telling those two off.”
“Fuck, I’ll wait for it to rain before I play games trying to get toilet paper out of a tree. IT will tear when I pull on it.”
I joked, “Unless it’s two ply!”
“That is the first funny thing you said all night,” Steve said. Two young children headed towards us, Steve shook his head in disgust again.
“What is it this time?” I asked.
“Their parents are in that car in front of our house, I watched them creep along side their children with just the parking lights on all the way down the street. When I was a kid, my parents walked with me!”
“So did mine,” I said.
The two kids held out their reflective trick or treating bags smiling as they said, “trick or treat!” Steve nodded his head in approval, “Now that is more like it, good manners, they now the drill and they have costumes that have some thought behind it.” Steve pointed to the kid on the right, “This one is a firefighter, complete with a cardboard hatchet with a tin foil blade for a cool realistic effect and this other,” he said pointing to the kid to his left, “is dressed in full pirate garb. You two know the spirit of Halloween!” Steve chugged the beer, burped then tossed the empties into their bags, “Cash those in, you have enough candy in there.”
|
